go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
