"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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