she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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