I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
