This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
