i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
