Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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