1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
