I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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