Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
