I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
