Define "chronic" masturbator.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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