I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
pop tarts are not kleenex
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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