I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
