When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
