um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
