dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
