dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
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Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
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I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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