ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
