i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I did not marry a roomba.
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