I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
