dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
