I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
