why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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