Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
