she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
