I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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