My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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