i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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