i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
