Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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