my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
