I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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