i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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