Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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