Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
