i need an iv and a liver transplant
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
