sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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