i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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