There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
