if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have demons in me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
