Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
