explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
