Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
