I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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