So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
