I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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