i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
