There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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