does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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