I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
