Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
