Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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