I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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