Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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