I think I died a long time ago.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
