Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
