Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
