He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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