i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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